We do it because no one was there for us when we were going through this, and most of us felt abandoned and isolated. We understand your difficult situation and the pain involved. Having been through it ourselves—and some of us having come out the other side—we can see where we went wrong and how we resolved it. We work hard to help parents, so please be respectful. We do this for free to support you and are not here to fuel arguments between men and women, or mums and dads. We aim to help each individual caught up in this. If you disagree with advice given to another parent, remember this is their case. Projecting your own experience onto a stranger because of their sex or similar-sounding circumstances is not helpful. Please ask your own questions; they will be answered in a way that helps you too.

We can see both sides in ways you may not.

1. Having been where you are and experienced how the court works, we know how daunting family court can be for someone facing it for the first time.

2. These cases are not about you and your ex. They focus on what the child has witnessed. If a child has seen arguments involving both parents, the court and services view this as emotional abuse of the child. It does not matter who is the "bad" or "good" parent; the child has been exposed and is the abused party. As minors, children cannot manage these situations and need the court to protect them from further exposure.

3. Where a child has been protected, has not witnessed abuse against either parent, and the victim has shielded the child without discussing the abuse, this is seen as good parenting. As the adult, you must be the protective factor in the child's life if you want to keep them. Many children are removed from homes with domestic violence; even with a clear victim, family courts still have much progress to make. The priority is always the children.

4. The court appoints a CAFCASS officer to speak for the child. They rarely accept the child's wishes, believing them too young to decide. CAFCASS holds that, despite abuse or wrongdoing, a child will usually love the "abusive" parent and want a relationship with them. This can be hard for the victim, but it is the path the family court sees as best for the child—provided the adults protect the child from witnessing abuse and act in the child's interests despite their differences.

5. The family court often believes the abusing parent acts this way because they are denied access to the child, and that abuse against the other parent will stop if the child is in their care.

6. Victims naturally fear contact with the abuser and prefer supervised centre-based visits. However, unless there is evidence of abuse, a non-molestation order, compliance with social services recommendations, and complete cessation of direct contact, CAFCASS and the court may treat the victim as the obstructive party. You must follow social services advice and, in court, be open to supervised contact (with a friend or family member handling handovers). This typically progresses to community-supervised, then unsupervised contact. Family courts and CAFCASS generally aim for 50/50 shared care. No contact or indirect contact is rare and requires clear evidence of child abuse.

7. If a parent refuses to engage with the court process and there is no evidence of child abuse—or the conflict is seen as mutual—the court will first try the above steps. If unresolved, there is a high chance residency will switch to the other parent, with the original resident parent facing supervised contact. If the resident parent is described as "enmeshed" with the child, causing the child to fear the other parent (sometimes called parental alienation), residency is almost certainly lost. If the non-resident parent is deemed a risk, the child may enter foster care, with both parents limited to supervised visits.

This scenario can cause family breakdowns. The court does not always get it right and can further victimise genuine victims of abuse.

“How I was then."

There are plenty of case laws where, further down the line, you can get orders changed and care orders discharged. The way to do this is by showing a significant change.

Some of us in this group have achieved this, and many are now qualified not only to parent our children but also to counsel them, with child psychology diplomas enabling us to offer therapy. If you do the work, you can show the court that you deserve the chance to parent. This can also prevent them from removing any further children you may have. We have parents who had children removed but kept subsequent children because of the efforts they made. This is the only way forward. We speak from experience, having tried all routes in our own cases, including appeals to the high courts and back to lower courts. The only successful approach is to prove that the original concerns no longer apply. Accepting the judge’s decision and moving forward demonstrates responsibility to the court. No court or service will agree to discharge a care order if you have not accepted wrongdoing and shown change. They will not discharge an order if you continue to blame social services and the judge. They will not admit they were wrong, as this would expose them to lawsuits.

I AM THE APPLICANT, SO WHY ARE THEY BLAMING ME FOR THE OTHER PARENT’S BEHAVIOR?

If you choose to go through family court, as difficult as this is, you are better off describing events in a way that protects your parenting skills. These courts often aim to level the playing field by attributing some blame to the resident parent, regardless of fault.

As the parent with care, avoid emphasising how the situation is harming the children. Instead, present yourself as absorbing the impact of the other parent's actions while doing everything possible to protect them. If the children appear harmed, the court may view you as failing to safeguard them.

All parents need to understand the long-term effects of their parenting on their children. Never enter court assigning all blame to the other parent or labelling them a narcissist, liar, or abuser. Use careful wording, especially with CAFCASS.

Cases are managed to encourage shared responsibility until no progress is possible, then proceed to fact-finding with evidence. Until then, the court will portray both parents as equally flawed, requiring courses and parenting classes. It will criticise you for speaking negatively about the other parent and its impact on the children, especially if you seek minimal or no contact.

Speak from the children's perspective: how the situation affects them individually, and how you minimise that impact, demonstrating your adequate parenting. Suggest the other parent might benefit from better understanding the children's needs.

A court cannot turn a poor parent into a good one. Accusations against them will prompt retaliation against you, which the court must take seriously. Family court is not for the faint-hearted; managing it is challenging.

Avoid labelling or name-calling. Recognise the children's feelings—they need to feel loved by both parents, see each parent valued by the other, and hear both speaking positively of one another.

Parents often unknowingly repeat their own childhood experiences. Highlighting this requires careful wording without blame, as the court will scrutinise and magnify perceived faults in both parents, whether accurate or not.

MY EX IS THE ABUSER WHO CAUSED MY MENTAL HEALTH SO WHY AM I THE ONE LOSING MY CHILDREN?

The difficulty is that when you report an abusive ex-partner, they almost always respond by claiming you are the one who is mentally ill. If the case reaches court, your GP records are likely to be requested. If your mental health issues stem from the abuse by the child's other parent, there will be evidence of that. In such cases, you need to step back and examine the dynamics of your relationship and your own role in failing to co-parent effectively for the child's sake.

Our upbringing often influences the partners we choose. Those who experienced abuse in childhood may subconsciously select partners with issues, hoping to heal the parental figure they could not fix as a child. You should reflect on why you chose this co-parent and recognise patterns that cause relationship struggles, especially after the child's birth.

Many of us, myself included, have chosen partners who needed "help". But we cannot change those who do not acknowledge their abusive behaviour. In the early stages of love, we excuse red flags—hence the saying "love is blind". Over time, you likely became aware of the abuse, tried to appease them, and prioritised the child. This shift often ends excuses, breeds resentment, and triggers the breakdown: your disappointment and their sense of rejection can evoke their own childhood wounds, leading to anger and rejection.

Women sometimes interpret this partner rejection as rejection of the child, echoing their own past feelings. Ultimately, these are adult relationship issues, unrelated to the child. Reporting the other parent for parenting failures usually worsens conflict, places the child in the middle, and CAFCASS will note this in court reports.

When communication breaks down, criticising each other only inflames egos and hinders resolution. Courts prioritise the child's right to a relationship with both parents. The only viable path is for both of you to seek help in improving communication and accepting mutual criticism.

You sound like you would benefit from counselling to address your own history. In my case, single parenting became a conscious choice once I recognised patterns rooted in my upbringing. Continuing to report rather than communicate will prolong the battle, trap the child, and risk backfiring—especially if your mental health records exist while evidence of their poor parenting does not. They may need counselling or parenting classes, too, but your current approach may ultimately reflect poorly on you.

SHOULD I DO WHAT SOCIAL SERVICES SAY?

We suggest working with social services advice. The difficulty is that social services and courts operate differently, leading to confusion about how quickly social services' positions can change. While courts are not involved, social services will advise staying away from an abusive ex and safeguarding the children. However, if the other parent takes the matter to court and CAFCASS recommends contact with the parent social services told you to avoid, social services will agree and follow the court’s directions. This leaves the protective parent isolated, still following initial social services advice while opposing CAFCASS and court recommendations. This does not go down well with the court, and you risk a slippery slope leading to the worst outcomes for you and your children. By all means, follow social services’ recommendations initially, but if it goes to court, be prepared to change direction and comply with court orders. Parents are not told this and often continue arguing, believing they are safeguarding the children from danger. Failing to follow court directions can result in your children being placed in even worse situations than supervised contact with the other parent.

WHEN THEY TAKE MY CHILDREN DO SOCIAL SERVICES HAVE OVERRIDING PR?

Social services cannot make unilateral decisions or override parents in decision-making, even under a care order. Section 34(4) provides that parental responsibility is shared equally with parents; there is no overriding parental responsibility, despite what social services may claim. This is a myth.

In Re G (Care: Challenge to Local Authority’s Decision) [2003] 2 FLR 42, Munby J held:

‘The fact that a local authority has parental responsibility for children pursuant to s 33(3)(a) of the Children Act 1989 does not entitle it to take decisions about children without reference to, or over the heads of, the children’s parents.

A local authority, even if clothed with a care order, is not entitled to make significant changes to the care plan, or to change the arrangements under which the children are living, let alone remove the children from home if they are living with their parents, without properly involving the parents in the decision-making process and giving them a proper opportunity to make their case before a decision is made. After all, the fact that the local authority also has parental responsibility does not deprive the parents of their parental responsibility.’

DO YOU HELP MOTHERS OR FATHERS OR BOTH?

It's time not just for fathers for justice or mothers for justice, but parents for justice, uniting as one. There is far too much division in our world and society. It seems designed to create tension between those with differences. This division has caused us to forget that we are part of each other, and our children are part of two people, not one against the other. We all share the same ultimate goal: for our children to thrive and grow in a world where adults can put differences aside for them. Let's join together and fight the system that divides families, bringing unity back to the family, even if we can't live together.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF A FINDING OF FACT HEARING IF DOMESTIC ABUSE AGAINST THE OTHER PARENT IS NOT A FACTOR WHEN IT COMES TO CONTACT?

our Answer ..

Because even though professionals may acknowledge that the parents hate one another to the point that abuse has occurred between them, they consider the child caught in the middle to have been abused more severely. They prioritise child abuse over adult abuse because adults can leave situations, but a child cannot. When the child is in the victim's care, the victim generally tries to stop contact with their abuser. The child does not see their parents as abusers, but being placed in the middle of a parental battle is deemed child abuse.

The parent with care will try hard to tell the court and professionals that the other parent is abusive. In cases where the child has witnessed the abuse, the family court often says that the parent with care failed to protect the child and allowed the abuse to happen. Abuse, especially emotional abuse and coercive control, is hard to prove, and unless there are criminal charges against the abusive parent towards the child, it is ignored. The more the victim cries, rages, writes, and shouts warnings that the other parent is abusive and will harm the child, the more professionals view this behaviour as what the child is witnessing, labelling it parental alienation—especially when the victim stops contact.

A healed person who has had intensive therapy after an abusive relationship speaks of the abuse as in the past and dealt with, accepting they are no longer with or abused by that person. An unhealed victim keeps talking repeatedly to everyone about the abuser, insisting the child's parent is abusive to them and therefore also to the child. They cannot separate their own abuse from the child's experiences. Professionals call this an enmeshed relationship and deem the enmeshed parent the abuser. They remove children from that parent, limit contact to supervised conditions, and work on building the relationship with the other parent.

Those of us who have won our cases did so by changing our attitude towards the professionals who opposed us. We took courses, including on child psychology, which helped us understand their perspective. They view cases from the child's point of view, seeing both parents as equally to blame for the situation. To win, you must accept that they genuinely believe their reports are correct, based on child psychology. Fighting them shows them an angry, aggressive parent—since they know neither you nor your ex personally. Imagine if, when you first entered the relationship, your parents and friends warned you the person was evil and you should stay away; as young adults, we rebel and are driven closer to the abuser. Later, we deny red flags because admitting them means others were right and we were wrong. Professionals react similarly when a parent attacks them, insisting the child's other half is an evil narcissist. There are parents who have had children removed but kept subsequent children through hard work. This is the only way forward; we speak from experience, having tried every route—including appeals in high courts and back to lower courts—but the only success comes from proving their previous findings no longer apply.

MY CHILD WAS WRONGFULLY TAKEN AND I CAN PROVE IT. WHAT CAN I DO?

Our answer.

The family court views it as: as parents, you were once in a relationship and liked each other enough to create a child together.

1. When the victim says, “I don’t want this child to see the person who abused me,” the court often sees this as current parental alienation, labelling it further abuse of the child.

2. Family courts hold both adults responsible for protecting the child from witnessing abuse.

3. Courts often believe the parent abusing the other does so because they are denied access to the child, and that giving the abuser care of the child will stop the abuse towards the other parent. This is not always true, and a one-size-fits-all approach is wrong, but courts frequently get it wrong.

4. The victim becomes afraid to contact the abuser and prefers supervised contact in a centre, which makes them appear as the abusive party. Meanwhile, the abuser having care causes family and friends to turn against the victim, further victimising them.

By law, you can get orders changed by showing significant change in circumstances. Some of us in this group have done this and are now qualified not only to parent our children but also to counsel them, with psychology diplomas allowing us to offer therapy. If you do the work, you can show the court you deserve the chance. This can also prevent future children from being removed. We have parents who lost earlier children but kept subsequent ones through the effort they put in. This is the only way forward; we speak from experience, having tried every route—including appeals in high courts and returns to lower courts—but the only success comes from proving that past concerns no longer apply, even if the judge believed them at the time.

NARCCISTIC ABUSE

As a team, we are here not to back up claims but to help you win your cases and keep your children out of the care system. Many cases involve allegations that the other parent is an abuser, often labelled a “narcissist.” We recognise that narcissistic abuse is traumatic and can cause serious difficulties for victims. When discussing your case, we are not unaware of the trauma or the harm caused by emotional, psychological, or physical abuse. We do not deny it happens—many of us have experienced it ourselves.

Our goal is to help you avoid losing your children, which often means accepting professionals’ recommendations, even when they feel extremely unfair. Fighting their views can lead to devastating consequences.

Professionals write what they genuinely believe. Instead of getting angry that they view you this way, consider how you once believed the other parent was a good person—someone you loved enough to have a child with. Professionals see this parent, who is new to them, in the same initially positive light you did. Proving the parent is not what they claim, without harming the child who shares their DNA, is a delicate balance.

Once you have a child with someone, you are tied to them through that child for life.

Those of us who have won our cases did so by changing our attitude towards the professionals. We took courses, including on child psychology, which helped us understand their perspective. They prioritise the child’s point of view, which means seeing both parents as equally responsible for the current situation. To start winning, you must accept that professionals truly believe what they write. Challenging them aggressively makes you appear angry and hostile, especially since they know neither parent well.

Imagine if, at the start of your relationship, your parents and friends had warned you the person was evil and told you to stay away. As adults, especially when younger, we often rebel and cling tighter to the abusive partner. Later, we notice red flags but deny them because admitting the truth means others were right and we were wrong. This is how professionals feel when a parent attacks them for viewing the other parent—the child’s mother or father—positively.

Professionals see the other parent first and foremost as the child’s mother or father. They want the child to be able to feel that the person who made them, and whose DNA they carry, has good qualities—the same qualities that once attracted you—rather than viewing half of themselves as coming from an “evil narcissist.”

HOW DO I GET THE PROFESSIONALS TO BELIEVE MY EX IS A NARCISSIST?

What we do to our children when we share too much is damage their view of themselves. Stand back and view the situation objectively, rather than being trapped in the story and unable to see the wood for the trees. Write to those who have produced these reports from this new perspective, free from the drama and anger of others not seeing what you see. Respond rather than react. You will find they listen and respond more. We are all guilty of this in some way; I have been, and I know some of our team have too.

We cannot agree with or condone the labelling of parents as mum or dad unless there is a defined diagnosis by a qualified doctor. We know from experience that possible diagnoses may be made in courts by "experts", and removal of children can be recommended based on these. Only a qualified psychiatrist can diagnose. Psychologists are experts in understanding depression and offering solutions such as therapy, or referring to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. Autism and similar conditions can only be diagnosed by a trained expert in autism. This is why so many children are removed due to possible diagnoses of personality disorders. These should be challenged by requesting an opinion from a better-qualified doctor.

More on psychology reports here.

Any more questions you want answered and included here, please let us know.

CLICK THE LINK BELOW FOR HELP AND SUPPORT

to join our Facebook group, which we plan to expand to a website in time.

Link: Advice for families dealing with social services, CAFCASS and the family courts.

F.A.Q.s

Below is a list of frequently asked questions (F.A.Q.s) and short answers, with links to further resources.

WILL I HAVE TO PAY A COURT FEE?

You must pay a fee to start most court cases, but if you are on low income you may qualify for “fee remission”. Apply online on the .gov.uk website here. There is no fee for domestic violence injunctions (non-molestation or occupation orders). For more on fees, see leaflet EX160A.

DO I HAVE TO GO TO MEDIATION?

No. Mediation is voluntary. Learn more on our Alternative Dispute Resolution page. However, parties are expected to consider mediation before applying to court. In most cases, you must attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) first, though there are exceptions (e.g., urgency or domestic violence). See leaflet CB2 for details.

A MIAM is not mediation; it is a meeting to learn about mediation and assess suitability. You usually attend alone. If mediation is not pursued, that is the end of it, though the court may encourage reconsideration.

MY CASE IS URGENT – HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

Family Court cases follow standard procedures and are rarely resolved immediately. In urgent cases, the court may skip steps or make short-term orders. Read leaflet CB2 for what counts as urgent.

Child arrangement cases typically have a first hearing after about four weeks; reports take around 12 weeks. Resolution often takes months. See our flow chart for child arrangements here.

Financial cases have a first hearing after 12-16 weeks; full resolution takes months unless agreed. Temporary maintenance (Maintenance Pending Suit) may be ordered if needed. See our flow chart for finances here.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOLICITOR AND A BARRISTER?

Solicitors and legal executives usually work in firms; barristers are self-employed in chambers.

Solicitors and legal executives handle cases from start to finish, including paperwork and sometimes advocacy.

Barristers specialise in advocacy and written advice, often instructed by solicitors. Some accept direct public access instructions.

Barristers have wider rights of audience and often specialise. Solicitors increasingly advocate but may instruct barristers for complex hearings.

Many lawyers now offer fixed-fee or limited services.

For more, see this Pink Tape blog post.

WHAT IS A CHILD ARRANGEMENTS ORDER?

This order settles where a child lives and spends time with each parent after separation when agreement cannot be reached. It replaced residence and contact orders under the Children and Families Act 2014.

See the CAFCASS website for details.

WHAT IS A SECTION 20 AGREEMENT?

Section 20 of the Children Act 1989 allows a local authority to accommodate a child with parental consent. Without consent, the authority must obtain a court order or use police powers (maximum 72 hours).

The authority does not share Parental Responsibility under section 20. Parents should fully understand implications and plans.

See posts from Child Protection Resource, Transparency Project guide, and Suspicious Minds blog.

WHAT ARE PRIVATE LAW PROCEEDINGS?

Private law proceedings are court cases between family members (e.g., parents) without local authority involvement, such as applications for Child Arrangements, Specific Issue, or Prohibited Steps Orders.

WHAT ARE PUBLIC LAW PROCEEDINGS?

Public law proceedings involve the state, such as care proceedings. Only local authorities (or NSPCC) can apply for care or supervision orders.

WHAT IS PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY?

Parental Responsibility (PR) gives legal rights and duties for a child. Mothers have it automatically. Fathers gain it via marriage at birth, post-2003 birth certificate registration, agreement, or court order. Step/same-sex parents may also hold it.

PR holders must consult on major decisions. Disagreements may require mediation or court.

Care orders or Special Guardianship Orders can override parental PR.

See gov.uk for more.

WHAT IS A CARE ORDER?

Under section 31 Children Act 1989, a care order is made if significant harm is likely or has occurred. The local authority shares PR and may limit parental exercise (e.g., foster placement) but must consult parents and promote reasonable contact.

Interim care orders may be made pending final hearing (within 26 weeks).

See Child Protection Resource post.

WHAT IS A SUPERVISION ORDER?

If significant harm is likely or has occurred, the court may make a Supervision Order (6-12 months) instead of a care order. A social worker monitors the family; no shared PR.

WHAT IS AN EMERGENCY PROTECTION ORDER?

Under section 44 Children Act 1989, for immediate risk, the court can grant a short-term order (up to 8 days, limited extension).

See Child Protection Resource post.

WHAT IS A DIRECTIONS/INTERIM HEARING?

These hearings set the timetable, identify issues, and order evidence before the final hearing. Oral evidence is rare except on specific interim issues.

In care proceedings, they are case management or issues resolution hearings.

See Suspicious Minds post on directions hearings.

WHAT IS A MCKENZIE FRIEND?

A McKenzie Friend provides moral support, note-taking, and quiet advice in court (with judge's permission). No qualifications required; some charge fees and lack regulation/insurance.

See official guidance.

WHAT IS A LITIGANT IN PERSON?

A Litigant in Person (LiP) represents themselves. Numbers have risen due to legal aid cuts.

See justice.gov.uk, Lucy Reed’s book, or DIY Divorce & Separation.

WHAT DO I CALL THE JUDGE?

Magistrates/District Judges: Sir/Madam (or Your Worships for magistrates).

Circuit Judges/Recorders: Your Honour.

High Court Judges: My Lord/Lady.

Politeness matters more than exact title.

See judiciary.gov.uk.

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR TO COURT?

Wear clean, neutral clothing that makes you comfortable and does not distract.

WHO IS A ‘PARTY’ TO PROCEEDINGS?

A party is an applicant or respondent with full rights to attend and participate. Witnesses attend only to give evidence.

WHAT IS AN ‘INTERVENOR’ IN COURT PROCEEDINGS?

An intervenor is allowed by the court to join proceedings (even without party agreement) if affected by the outcome, e.g., grandparents offering care.

WHAT IS CAFCASS?

CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) safeguards children’s welfare, advises courts, provides reports, and appoints guardians in complex cases.

See the official CAFCASS website.

WHAT IS “DISCLOSURE”?

In financial proceedings on divorce or for child maintenance, parties must provide full and frank financial disclosure (mainly via Form E). Information is generally used only for the case.

Significant changes must be reported promptly.